


What do we say to the god of death : Are you stupid of what ?

by Elorin



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Mythology, Bilbo is (male) persephone, Gandalf is tired of stupid dwarves kidnapping his hobbits, M/M, Slow Burn, Smaug is cerberus, Thorin is hades, Thorin needs his hobbit to snap some sense in him, everybody is done with thorin's shit, gold-sickness, well some are dead but they're still here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-12 01:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2091006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elorin/pseuds/Elorin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Bagginshield AU where Bilbo is Persephone and Thorin is Hades. Or what happens if Thorin is the king under the mountain and the lord of the world beneath the surface of all middle earth. He's living alone in his dark underground kingdom, his people digging the earth for gold and gems, amoung dragons and mythical creatures. He is gold-sick and alone when Bilbo, the hobbit in love with flowers and hope, catches his eyes.<br/>As soon as he sees him, he wants him. Thorin kidnaps Bilbo without hesitation, dragging by force in his indoor kingdom, certain to win his love by gold.<br/>Of course, it's not that easy and the "innocent creature" is decided to knock Thorin's nonsense out of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First : I'm french. English is not my first language and I apologize in advance for all the mistakes I'm gonna make. This also explains the length of this first chapter : I'm afraid of my mistakes and ...well it's a test. To see if you can forgive my mistakes and are willing to read me ! ( and if someone would agree to proof read me, I would love this person with all my heart and devotion. And cookies. )
> 
> So, a short first chapter to introduce the characters and the situation....a longer one is to come !

The sky was blue, the grass was tall and green, the birds were tittering from the bushes. Pretty day of spring indeed, hummed Bilbo as he was walking barefoot among wild flowers and hesitating butterflies.  
As always in spring he was in a exceptionally good mood. Nothing as a bright day and some flowers to cheer up your mood, he used to say to ...well to everyone who listened.

Bilbo was not the social-type, most of the time. Most of the year he was a stayed at home respectable and quite boring hobbit, who enjoyed nothing more than his books, his tea, his couch and more than that : his calm and loneliness. Guests were not welcomed in Bag-End : this information was so famous in all the Shire that it could almost be written down in some tour guide for foreigners.

When Bilbo deigned going out of this hole for somehting else than daily errands, it was only in spring. Old Hamfast used to compare Bilbo with these birds that always came back as soon as spring started and then flew away to some warmer land. Bilbo was just flying away...well to his living room.  
Summer, Winter, Fall : Bilbo was grumpy and it was only really daring and cheeky little hobbits who dared to knock at his round door during these seasons.  
But in spring ?

Bilbo was suddenly a whole new hobbit, all young and cheeky, and goofy smile on his face and his curls lightened by the sun. Always outside, always chatting with his neighbours, always with a bunch of flowers in his arms. Looking for adventure and trouble, coming back at dawn after days and nights spending god know here in not respectable at all places with strange friends. If the rest of the year everybody sighed at the mere mention of him, in spring he didn't lack friends. He was beautiful, wealthy, smiling, offering flowers and delicious meals at all time of the day, always ready for going out for a walk : Bilbo Baggins was someone-to-know in the Shire. 

But only in spring.

From afar, some laughters and shouts were to be heard. But Bilbo didn't give it a secound thought, knowing well than it was just the usual plays of his friends. Idle and happy hobbits going on a picnic.  
They will always be there later. But that would may not be the case of this dazzling sun, this light breeze and the bright colors of flowers. He wanted to stuff himself with the sun, the sounds of the nature, the soft tickling grass under his feet, and the happiness that filled him.

Bilbo closed his eyes, breathed in deeply to enjoy better this perfect day. Standing in the nature, the wind playing in his hair, he was so happy that it almost hurt.  
After a long time, he slowly opened his eyes to the sky. Just in time to see the sun being shadowed, the earth being cracked open and the fear taking grip on his heart.

–---

He was just so precious. The most precious jewel of all, his eyes were shining like diamonds, full of light and hope, all these things unknown in his kingdom and every one of his honey curls were catching each ray of the sunshine. His teeth were pearls ands his skin was smoother than the most worked piece of marble.  
All his body, all his person was gleaming with a radiance superior to pure gold.

Precious, beautiful, rare and unique. He has to become his. He was to be his. At any cost.

Thorin, lord of the underworld was not the most gentle and light-hearted lord of middle earth.  
To be honest, he was grumpy, king of the grumpy and his nephews liked to call him his Grumpiness. What else would you expect for the god of the underworld, though ?

Thorin was not used to encounter any resistance. What he wanted, he had and when he had to fight for what he wanted, he revealed himself to be fierceful warrior who didn't know what giving up or failing meant. He was obstinate, passionned and able to defy all odds. As soon as he looked at Bilbo, he knows that he had to make him his, or die trying. 

It was an impossible meeting.  
They're never supposed to meet or even to know that the other existed.

Bilbo was a hobbit, living in confortable hole in the ground, but in love with fresh air, flowers and the light of the sun. Always looking up to the sky.  
Thorin lived far more underground than him and his gaze was trapped, always focused on the floor, on the depth of the earth and his unknown riches. 

Once upon a time he had been the king of fierce and stubborn dwarves than liked to forge powerful weapons, mine gold and create beautiful jewels from their bare hands. They had commerce with the rest of world and lived in the heart of their mountains. But for now his mind was shadowed, obsessed by gold and the ludricous glow of the jewels around him. Thorin was always looking down to the depth of middle earth where laid the maze of stone that was his kingdom. 

They have to go deeper, always deeper, because his lust for gold and gems couldn't be quenched. Rumors were that if he was indeed thirsty for something, he didn't know what he was really looking for. 

He was glaring at the world from his trone made of gold, diamonds and rare gems that cut deeply into his skin. The crown he wore at all time was heavy, leaving marks and scars into his skin and bending his head down. Never he minded, never he complained. That wasn't much to endure in comparison to what he had.  
Piles of gold, monstruous tresors hidden from view, halls build in stone, wealth beyond imagination. His kingdom was a maze build underground, safe from everything. 

At his feet laid the dragon Smaug the stupendous that he had tamed and conquered centuries before and whose character and bad temper matched his owner. 

For once Thorin's eyes were cast outside and his look, his mind and his heart were at once captived by the innocent hobbit musing in the meadow on his kingdom. 

Let the dragon fly into the sky, let the earth be open, let the earth tremble under his lust and wrath, he had to take him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is awake in Thorin's palace and not very happy of it. And Balin is not really happy of Thorin's actions...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not a english native speaker so I apologized in advance for any mistakes ! But this time DeanWinchest had proof-read and I thank her with all my heart o/  
> I hope you enjoy it ♥

When Bilbo awoke it was pitch black.  
Literally, pitch black.  
Terror swelled in his chest as he opened his eyes and saw nothing. Nothing more than when he had his lids closed anyway. He couldn't see anything; no shadow, no ray of light, it was not dark nor grey, but totally black.  
He wasn't home, he couldn't be home. Even if they were build half underground – underhill more exactly – there was always some dim light in hobbit's holes – sunlight or moonlight. Not here. There was no windows and the door was closed and no ray of light were passing under. He couldn't even see the shapes of the furnitures or of his own body.

To make matters worse?  
He was naked. Even if he couldn't see himself, he could feel the cotton of the sheets and the softness of the furs put upon his naked body.  
Naked, in the dark, in a unknown room. Is there something more frightening and humiliating? And the thought that he had no memories of undressing himself didn't help.  
Neither did his last memory: a rift wide open in the meadow, the darkening of the sky and the roaring of the huge beast coming for him.

He didn't feel well, there was a knot in his stomach and he was feeling sick. Blushing, even in the dark and alone (he hoped) Bilbo got out of bed. He tried to walk and find his way out of this dark nightmare but he didn't go very far.  
Two steps, to be honest.  
Two steps before he bumped into a piece of furniture and screamed of pain. Putting his closed fist before his mouth he tried to concealed his whimpering. Running into something of solid stone while naked was not a good idea.

Bilbo was trying to breathe in and out deeply without so much swearing and whining when he heard a great uproar and a clamour of voices as if people were rushing towards his room. Then there was a heavy rumbling; as if a stone were moved out of the way....

“You’re finally awake! That's good news for sure, nice to meet you at last.... well, what's your name?”

Bilbo jumped. He was not alone anymore. There was a young and really happy man with him in the room, according to the voice that came out of the dark.

“Wh-what? Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins's the name, but ...”

“Nice to meet you, master Baggins! I'm Fili, and this is my little brother, Kili!”

“At your service!” Another, slightly younger voice said joyfully.

But Bilbo still could not see shit and that didn't explain anything.

“Well, nice to meet you too… but… where I am? Why is there no bloody light in here? Who...?”

Bilbo had a long list of questions to be answered. He was stammering like a child but was also determined to obtain answers. And a ride home because it was clear that he was not in his home, and that bothered him very much. The voice of Fili didn't seem to be bothered though.

“We don't use much light, people here have pretty good night sight, you see.”

“No, I don't” retorted Bilbo, irritated.

He was acting like a child and in a very rude way – he didn't like that – but he couldn't help himself. What was the matter with them?

“But the both of us, we're different, we're better and can see in the dark as well as in the daylight,” added the youngest with audible pride.

“Great, great...I can't...could you...if you... please…”

Bilbo gestured vaguely in the dark, hoping this situation to make sense again.

“Oh! Sure, master Baggins, I'm going to find you some light!” the younger, Kili, said.

There was a heavy sound coming from the dark, and then nothing. Like...nothing. Bilbo were straining his pointed ears but he could not hear a thing. Not even another breathing.  
He didn't know what was worse: being left alone in the complete silence and darkness, or the presence of two strangers next to him.

“Are… are you still here?”

“Yes, master Baggins. Kili is gone looking for someone to light a candle or two, but I'm right next to you”.

And really close to him: suddenly Bilbo could feel Fili's breath on his shoulder. On his naked shoulder. He started and tried to put some distance – an appropriate distance at least – between them, but his legs bumped into something and he fell over with a small cry.

At least Fili didn't make any move to catch him. That was very rude but the contrary would have been really awkward, thank you very much. Bilbo decided that he'd rather fall on the soft and thick fur where he was now than being held and caught while he was naked.  
Bilbo cleared his voice and stood up again, more awkward than he would like to admit. He missed his suspenders and pockets to keep his composure.

“I'm... I'm naked.”

“I can see that.”

There was so much amusement in Fili's voice that Bilbo blushed up to his ears. He tried to cover up his body with his hands, but he could hear Fili concealing his laughter.  
Great.

“What, what have you done with my clothes?”

And who undressed me? Why? How have I ended up here? Bilbo, don't let your Tookish part take the upper hand in you, Bilbo told himself. He had to be organized and practical. One problem at a time. Knowing where he was and how to come back to his beloved home was no use if he had no clothes on. Coming back butt naked in Bag End, with all his well-behaved neighbours’ noses on their windows, would have been a big mistake.

“Well... uncle tore them apart as soon as he got you down here. Would have bed you right away, but Balin told him it... well, it was not a good idea. Would be better if you're awake.”

You bet that having sex with someone is better if both parts are awake!  
Bilbo could not believe his own ears. He looked at where-he-thought-Fili-was, his mouth wide open in surprise. And sheer indignation.

“Are...are you kidding me?!”

At least Fili didn't dare to say anything else and an uneasy silence settled between them. Then, he whispered:

“Uncle went through difficult things lately and...”

“If you think that is a reason for raping someone, I'm going to have a talk with your parents about that, my lad!”

This time the indignation overstepped the shame and the confusion and Bilbo glared at the darkness, hoping to scowl at Fili and not at some innocent chair.

“Uncle and mom raised us, but mom have stayed … above.”

Whatever Bilbo wanted to say stayed in his throat as the heavy rumbling that must have been the opening of the door and a new male voice were heard.

“So, this is the bride.”

\----------

“Kidnapping your consort on a dragon. Very … myth-like. And chivalrous.”

In the last word, the sarcasm couldn't be ignored. On his throne once again, Thorin glared at his oldest friend and his most trusted counsellor. Not that it meant much these days.

“Watch your words, Balin. You're my friend but remember your place.”

“We've got doors, lad. You've blown up the earth to get out, like an earthquake indeed.”

“I was in a hurry, there were no time to waste.” Thorin retorted.

There was indeed a small voice in a secluded part of his brain that kept reminding him that he had been careless and not really royal in this abduction, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

“As soon as he's awake, my nephews are going to offer him my gifts and give him my proposal. When he had accepted I'm going to bed him and make him my consort. You deal with the details, but my mind is set.”

“What about the huge hole in the earth that leads directly to the throne room?”

That – that was a problem. And a huge one.  
Thorin didn't need to follow the finger that Balin was raising up to the ceiling to know that. Where there had been a beautiful ceiling made of stones, engraved with delicate scenes in gold, there was now a hole. Smaug had no care for the tons of stones and dirt that were between them and the surface. Sunlight was now entering directly in the throne room, by a rift deep of several kilometres.

“Smaug shall guard it.”

What could be better than a dragon to keep strangers from trespassing your threshold?

“I am not your dog, dwarf.”

Smaug growled, though. The dragon suddenly opened his eyes to scowl at his master. This time, Thorin jumped on his feet, leaving drops of blood on his seat and his armrests. He growled more than he ordered, glaring angrily at his pet even if it was full of fire and death.

“Obey or die, I don't care, stupendous and stupid creature. Your life is at my hands, as well as everyone else’s here. You should remember that. Go and do your bloody job.”

Balin had to admit there was indeed a glaring contest between the two of them, but Smaug finally took off by the hole of the ceiling. The old dwarf stared at the dragon until he heard a sigh from his king.

“Balin, call back Dwalin. If Smaug is on the ground level, I'm going to need him.”

Thorin frowned at the silent glare of his friend. Balin looked about to say something, but eventually he just sighed and left the room, leaving the king to his pain and his brand new thoughts about his “consort”.

\---------- 

“I beg your pardon?”

Bilbo blinked in disbelief. He must have something wrong with his ears. There was... no. That couldn't be.

“Thorin's bride,” the unknown voice repeated.

There was amusement in his voice. Amusement at Bilbo's expenses and the hobbit was pretty sure he didn't like it. The third man was more casual and older than Kili and Fili.

“Wha-at ? No, no, no no! Are you … of me? Talking about me? No.”

“Well, you're the only standing naked, mate.”

“Thank you for reminding me that, I had almost forgotten.”

Bilbo's smile was a sour smirk but there was some rustles and a dim light appeared. A candle, in the hands of a man, slightly taller than Bilbo... Was it the flickering light that put this star-shaped form on his head? The candle light was reflected and slowly the corner where the third man stood was lit.

“A few more and we will see as in day light, I swear it,” the man said.

He had a strange accent, Bilbo thought but he had no time to wonder about him because he distinguished a young blond man as his sides, smirking as the third man kept lighting more candles.

“You may want some clothes,“ Fili said.

Did everyone need to have fun at his expenses? However Bilbo couldn't blame him and became redder than he already was. Why did he have so small hands and such a round belly? Why had he to be here, among strangers in a unknown bedroom and fully naked?

“There's clothes in the closet, there.”

As dark-haired as the other was blond, more or less the same height. Both taller than him. The blond had a beard, the dark one only a stubble. But Kili had the same grin as his brother had, as he was looking up and down at Bilbo – at Bilbo's naked body.  
The third man – gosh, was it his HAIR? They must be all knotted and dry and...How was it possible? - hit him behind the head:

“Don't look, boy, you know your uncle is a jealous one.”

All this talk about this uncle, this Thorin, this fucking psychopath were beginning to anger and tire Bilbo, but he had more urgent matters. Clothes. Bilbo forgot everything else and rushed for the closet.

Most of the clothes were of foreign fashion and Bilbo couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be except a pile of fabrics – and strange fabrics at that. Underwear, and a pair of brown pants. As soon as he found them, the hobbit began to breathe again. While he was dressing himself up, the third man was mumbling, scolding at Kili and Fili

“I've got a lot to do with the dead, down there, you know that lads, and you still bother me for fucking candles...”

“Nori, we can't touch anything,”

To Bilbo surprise, the third man, Nori, silenced a moment and then sighed:

“I know, lads, and I know it's not your fault but still. Not a messenger, not a tourist guide, not a manservant, just a thief.”

“But the god of thieves,” Kili added, visibly trying to win back Nori's favour by a flattery.

“No. Your uncle may have gone bat shit crazy with this god thing and underworld stuff, I haven’t. I am a dwarf, thank you, and I will be really happy when my job is to avoid Dwalin and steal money from the treasure again. Leading the dead... that's a bloody job and a busy one. Do you need me for anything else, or...?”

Bilbo knew that was really impolite to prick one's ears up on matters that didn't concern you at all – and he didn't want to have anything in common with them, not at all, just going back home as fast as he could – but he couldn't help himself. He began to feel uneasy though. Dead? By the gods, what did dead people have to do with ...Nori? A bad feeling was growing in his belly and it was not hunger (even if he was indeed hungry) and he wanted to run away from this place. Quick.

Before that however, he had to put on a shirt - without any buttons.

That done, Bilbo raised a finger, breathed in deeply, and cut them off:

“First… Where am I?”

“Where else do you want to be?

The brown-haired dwarf – because they were dwarves, were they? Stuff of legends, living in the heart of the mountains. Another point to explore and question. Later. At home, would be the best – the brown haired dwarf looked at him, flabbergasted. As if Bilbo had said something particularly absurd. As if there was no world outside...whatever this place.

“Well, I don't know… HOME. In my HOUSE. In Bag End, in the Shire.”

Kili looked at him, puzzled and about to say something else, but Fili nudged hm.

“The Shire, you know, at the east of the door of Erebor.”

“Bring me back,” Bilbo ordered, with a serious frown on his face. The door. Then, east. Simple, easy. But nothing more than a shocked silence welcomed his stance. Fili ended by stating the obvious:

“The doors are closed. Thorin had them sealed, decades ago and nobody can't go out or in anymore.”

“I...think I need some tea. Do you have some tea? A cup of tea, if you don't mind...oh my head...”

To be honest, Bilbo felt dizzy and his vision was blurred. He might faint. Oh gods, he felt nauseous, and couldn't breathe. He went backwards, gasping for air, until his back bumped into one of golden colons that supported the canopy over his bed.

Nori looked sadly at him.

“I don't think we have much tea down here, as tea leafs demand well...trees. And we lives underground since Thorin locked us down here.”

“... How… How …here? Me?”

Bilbo could not breathe as the panic grew in him. He was locked down underground, kidnapped by unknown and strange people, and... He could cry. Bilbo thought he would cry soon as he pointed his chest to punctuate his words.

“Well Smaug does not care for doors or...well anything that is neither gold nor uncle. He pushed out when uncle asked him to do so, and nothing could have stopped him, not even a mountain.” Fili shrugged.

“Smaug?”

“Uncle's dragon, of course!”

Of course.

And there we were again. Black, silence, Bilbo fainted. Bilbo's out, my lads, come back later.


End file.
